Thursday, January 2, 2014

2013

I think I've learned more in the last year than in 4.25 years of undergrad.  2013 has been an incredible year. Here's my story.

I graduated in December 2012 with the world ahead of me. I was free. I could pursue anything I wanted.  I spent the next month traveling: LA, New Mexico, Arizona, Las Vegas, Washington DC, and Puerto Rico.  In Alexandria, Virginia, I told my friend Ana, "I haven't exercised at all in the last 4 years, but I love being athletic. You know, I could run a 5K. It's only 3 miles." I traveled to Puerto Rico, laying out of the beach with my NASA friend Denise, and saw my life ahead of me.  I thought, "This is what life is supposed to be like. Peaceful. Exciting, yet peaceful."

The next week I saw myself in an office. A gray, bland, stereotypical office. With computers. And copiers. And everyone shrinking away in their cubical or office.  I saw life at the office as "all work, no play," nervous to do anything that might result in me getting fired.  A higher up came in, and I was shaking all morning that I would get laid off.  Despite reassurances, I thought eyes were on me, and every action was against me.

I also decided to train for the non-existent 5K. I woke up at 5:30, and ran 1.5 miles for 3 days in a row.  On the third day, I fell flat on my face. I limped back home, determined to come up with a different plan.  Instead, I decided to run after work.  Nicki Minaj on Pandora is definitely a savior of mine :-) Thank you, Nicki Minaj. I never thought I would say that, haha. I also discovered TurboKick.  To this day, it kicks my butt. Thank you, Fiesta Dance and Fitness and Denise.

After my fitness routine, I had to keep busy, or else I got super down.  Usually I cooked dinner, watched a show, and went to bed.  If I didn't do that, my thoughts would consist of the following: Where am I going? What am I doing? I don't feel useful at work. I had a 3.8 GPA in college, and now I'm stuck in an office.  I walk down the same aisle...every...day, and use the same bathroom stall...every...day. I could just leave all this and go to Stanford; but what if I'm not good enough. But then where would I go? To another office? Nobody cares about me. I knew in my heart that I needed to continue going to work, despite my brain screaming to run far away...for no reason. Alex helped me through a lot of these terrible nights. Thank you, Alex.

In March, I moved to a new place. Beautiful running trails; great roommates; I bought a CrockPot (my favorite appliance so far!). Work had me really stressed out that I wasn't learning fast enough. Everyday, I left work everyday unable to concentrate and my "brain hurting" due to sitting at a computer and working on problems all day. But when I went home, I was able to conquer the 2.5 mile route I mapped out for myself.I thought I could do everything BUT get help for my depression. I was getting plenty of sleep, eating right, exercising 3-4 days a week, hanging out with friends, yoga, everything!

One week, everyone had it against me; two guys decided that they demanded answers.  The inexperienced-me was unable to answer, and the depressed-me was unable to tell myself that "It wasn't me" let alone  standing up to my aggressors. The same day, I ran on my famous 2.5 mile trail.  About 1.5 miles in, I start crying.  I felt like someone died. People were looking at me like I was crazy. 2 miles in, I was balling. I walked home to lay on the floor and just cry. I have to get help, this isn't working. 

Getting help was WAY harder than I thought.  I could barely muster the energy to actually call.  People weren't returning my calls. It took 3 weeks to even find someone.

In therapy, I've learned so much about other people and myself.  I learned that other people are separate from me.  Usually, it's their problem.  I've also learned that I'm responsible for keeping myself sane and strong.  I don't necessarily have to be happy; I can be sad but still know that I have self-worth and confidence. Finally, I've learned my life's passion: helping others.  It seemed WAY to obvious for me to notice. The engineering world often puts down those who are social and excited- they dismiss it as a "touchy-feely" and not real. I am totally an extrovert.  And for the last couple of years, I've denied it- I thought I was having too much fun. 

I've changed the way I do things at work.  I'm not afraid to be social and help others.  Because I know that will help my self-esteem and self-worth. And I'm excited to do it.  I do my job so much better, too.  I've also joined Girls Who Code as a Volunteer Instructor- and I absolutely LOVE it!

I've started to do projects just for me.  These include decorating my room, sewing a sofa cover, sewing a wallet, painting, making dinner for myself, coding for me, read, and losing fat (I've lost 15 lbs so far). I'm back to the excited, motivated, smart, awesome Serena. I'm completely myself- and I love it.

2013 has been a hard, much needed, year.  I've developed the tools to go out and conquer the world. I'm excited for what this next year brings.  

-Serena

P.S. I'm running the Hot Cocoa 5K in SF next week, exactly 1 year from stating I would.  I guess you could call that my New Year's Resolution :-)